The Ugly Bits of Moving in Together: 5 Things to Remember
Moving in with someone is obviously a big step in your relationship. It’s probably something you’ve been looking forward too and working towards for a good amount of time. It’s exciting! You finally won’t have to try to schedule time to visit each other and deal with disappointment when life gets in the way. You don’t need to worry about who’s driving to whose house or whether or not you’ll be able to make time for visits. You get to build your own home and your own life with the person that you love! It is a new journey with your partner and something that should absolutely be looked forward to.
But, things don’t always go according to planned. As people, we have a habit of idealizing things (especially other people) and ignoring the bad. You could have the best relationship ever and still hit road bumps when first getting accustomed to living together.
Keep in mind when you were just visiting each other, that time was specifically planned to spend with your partner. There probably weren’t many other things going on like work or household chores. You had time to get that other stuff done when your partner wasn’t around. The difference now that you live together is that no matter what, other things will always be happening and there won’t be as much time for each other. After first moving in together a lot of couples feel like they don’t need to make specific time for their partner because now you’re together all the time, right?
No. You may be around each other, but that doesn’t mean that you are spending quality time together. You may be reading a book while your partner is playing video games. You may be in completely separate rooms doing your own thing or there will be times when you’re in the same room but aren’t even really acknowledging each other. The fact is that you and your partner are going to be doing your own things, whether it be work, hobbies, or the like. Just expect constant distractions and interruptions in your relationship because that’s just how life goes.
Far too often after moving in together partners begin to feel ignored or like they never get any time together anymore. There are a lot of small, but important things you can do to make sure your partner, and you, still feel loved and wanted.
1: Making Time for Each other
It sounds silly scheduling time with someone that you live with but it is important. One of the best things you can do with your partner after moving in together is discuss clear expectations of how much quality time you want or feel that you need, but also be willing to compromise. The key part here is “quality” time, meaning time spent with each other without distractions from everyday life.
Some couples find that dinners together without phones or TV are a good way to stay engaged and attentive to each other on a regular basis. Others might set times to engage in shared hobbies together like playing video games, going hiking, or any other things you share with your partner. Making regular date nights, like once a month, once a week, etc. is another great way to make sure that you and your partner are both getting the attention that you need and deserve.
2: Communicate! Even About the Little Things
The phrase, “Communication is key” is 100% true. I can’t stress enough how important communication is in a relationship. In many cases people won’t bring up annoyances to their partner which often leads to resentment and can really hurt a relationship. When it gets to the point of lingering resentment, it’s not about the route of the problem anymore. Every little thing becomes annoying and you may find yourself pissed off at your partner for what seems like no reason.
By communicating and telling your partner your needs and expectations, while also being open to hear theirs, you can avoid a lot of arguments. I had a hard time talking to my boyfriend about things that got under my skin because I felt like I was either being ridiculous (which didn’t change how I felt) or that he just wouldn’t understand.
Man was I wrong. Once we started talking about things more and I explained why I was upset or annoyed it really started to help. Rather than be petty and leaving the dishes that he said he’d do for days out of spite, I’d remind him he said he’d do them and ask him to please follow through. Small things like this can be pushed aside when you don’t live with your partner. They can’t once you’re together all the time, especially if you feel like you’re always picking up the slack.
3: Listen!!!
A lot of the times when people want their opinion or feelings to be heard, they end up not listening to the other side much, if at all. It’s hard to open your mind to another person’s opinions when you know yours are important and justified. A vital thing to remember is that everyone’s feelings are justified, even if they oppose yours. You can’t always control your emotional responses to things but you can be willing to hear the other side which may change how you feel.
My boyfriend and I struggled when we first moved in together because a lot of things that were important to me had never been important to him, like spending time watching a movie or show together. When we stopped doing those things together, I started to feel forgotten and ignored. Which of course lead to resentment and passive aggressive behavior towards each other. The best thing we did was talk, listen, try our best to understand, and compromise. Which leads into our next topic.
4: Be Willing to Change
You can’t expect your partner to change their own habits or be willing to do what you want them to do if you aren’t willing to do the same. A demanding relationship that doesn’t give in return is doomed from the start. Living with each other means you get to see all the ugly habits, as well as the good ones that first drew you in. Lots of people start to see who their partner is at home and feel like they’re a totally different person.
Plenty of people end up asking themselves, was I completely wrong about who my partner is? Has he/she changed all of the sudden? More often than not the answer is no. You are just now seeing ALL of your partner instead of the limited version you had gotten so used to. It’s important to remind yourself this is still the same person that you fell in love with, there’s just some added details that you may not like. But that goes both ways. No matter how much you feel you are, I promise you are not perfect and your partner gets to see all your ugly bits now too.
When this starts to happen don’t go overboard with picking apart every little thing they do that gets under your skin. Pick your battles wisely. Most of the time there’s small things like not taking out the trash or continuously forgetting to change the litter box, that aren’t worth an hour long talk or a huge argument. That doesn’t mean dismiss it all together, but be willing to let the small things go sometimes and be willing to change some of your habits too. With these types of things I advise speaking your mind but don’t read into it too much. Usually a simple, “Babe, you forgot to take out the trash” without the condescending attitude goes a long way.
5: Be Kind
When you’ve grown comfortable with someone it’s easy to really pick them apart or be snide and passive aggressive when something frustrating happens. One of the best things you can try to do is pay attention to when you’re doing this and just knock it off. I doubt you’d be willing to put up with an attitude like that if it were reversed and if it’s not something that’s important enough to sit down and talk about, your partner probably doesn’t deserve the tude either.
Also, little things matter a lot. Doing something small to help your partner or even just because you want them to feel good can really help your relationship. If you know they’re overwhelmed with work or family drama, make a nice dinner or do some of the random chores that they usually do. It may not always seem like it, but it is noticed and appreciated.
Enjoy Your Journey
Remembering these small, but important things can really help to make those initial few months of living together much smoother and easier. Of course the most important thing is to remember that you love this person and enjoy your time together. Support one another. Talk, listen, feel, and enjoy your new journey together.
